Bowie - A traumatic birth
Let me start by talking you through how horrendous my birth with Bowie was. When I say horrendous, it couldn't have gotten any worse, when you think of a bad birth experience, everything you think of, happened to me. It began with me being induced, my pelvic pain was that bad that I was hospitalised, I couldn't even turn in the bed, let alone go to the toilet on my own, so the doctors decided at 37 weeks to induce. The induction was long, two pessaries later my uterus was hyperstimulated and started contracting every minute for 24 hours, I was exhausted, they decided to put me on a pitocin drip and see if that helped kick start anything, all it did was intensify my contractions and left me in absolute tears and begging to be discharged. They decided to stop everything and give my body a break for 24 hours. During this time my waters naturally broke in the bath and my contractions started, 12 hours later they hadn't progressed past 6cm and I again, had to be put onto the pitocin drip. By this point I was so high on gas and air, I was throwing up, I had every pain relief possible and was completely out of it. My contractions got really long and intense, the midwife checked me to find I was only at 7cm which is when I asked for an epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and administered my epidural just as I hit 9cm, it was a welcome relief, but seemed to stall my progress, Bowies heart rate was jumping up and he was getting stressed out, they called a doctor in who attached a monitor to his head and said it was time to just push, so I got into position and started pushing, with all of my might! Suddenly, my epidural started wearing off and I could feel the contractions again, I felt myself completely losing control and had no idea whether I was coming or going. The doctors were telling me to push, I was pushing and I could see the wire attached to Bowies head coming out and going back in again with each push, the pain was unbearable. Suddenly Bowies heart rate suddenly dropped and the doctors started shouting 'we need to get him out NOW', I panicked, they got the forceps out and told me they needed to make a cut in me to get him out quickly, my epidural had worn off and I braced myself for the pain. I felt the scissors
cutting through my muscle and I blacked out for a few seconds, my eyes were closed when I felt what I can only describe as the feeling of an organ falling out of my body, he let out a cry and they passed him to me, I couldn't even look at him, I was too traumatised, I asked my wife to take him. The doctors looked panicked and had pressed a red button on the wall, my mother in law had to sit down and Khiana went white, I knew something was wrong, I looked down and there was blood covering the floors and the doctors, I was hemorrhaging and I could feel it, my body felt numb and my eyes were seeing stars. I even looked over at Bowie, so if I died I would have at least seen his little squashed face. Everything was blur, I don't remember much of the next 12 hours, but I was ok, I had two blood transfusions and ended up in the hospital for a week.
The thing is, everything I expected from birth was far from the reality I was living, It wasn't magical, I hadn't bonded with my newborn as I was still mentally scarred from the birth. Everything was hard, feeding was hard, getting up was hard, weeing was hard, moving was hard. I felt like I had made a massive mistake and I wasn't sure if I wanted the little bundle in my arms. All the gorgeous outfits I had bought I didn't even look at, I dressed Bowie in whatever my hands could reach in the bag, I cared for him, I fed him but I did it because it was my duty, not because I wanted to. I didn't know if these feelings would change and it scared the heck out of me!
The staff in the hospital were great, they let my wife stay till really late, they gave me my own room on the ward so we could be together and try and build that bond. It took a while, it took a few weeks, once we got home, things became a little easier, I started to enjoy the odd little thing, Bowie looking at me with this eternal love that I had never experienced before warmed my heart, my love grew and grew, things turned out wonderful and although the birth was traumatic, it was worth it for my beautiful Bowie.
Please don't be disheartened if you're pregnant and reading this, read my next birth story to see how drastically it changed.